Can We Get Rid of Texas Already?
Oh, Texas. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and whitewash your history curriculum. Apparently, the stars at night are about the only bright things in Texas. In case you haven’t heard, the ultra-conservative Texas School Board recently voted to edit the information in its history textbooks and “update” the history curriculum taught in public schools. Although that doesn’t sound too bad at first, what they are actually doing is altering the history curriculum to favor a staunch right-wing agenda.
For example, in history textbooks, the current and accurate term, “slave trade,” will become the sickeningly euphemistic “Atlantic triangular trade.” Really Texas? I’m aware that slaves technically weren’t the only thing traded between the North America, Africa, The Caribbean, and Europe, but African slaves were by far the most important commodity of that trade. And to call it by anything other than the “slave trade” is misdirection and total bullshit. (This is just one example and there is a lot more of this, but you can find out about that on your own.) This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back as far as I’m concerned; Texans are always going on about how much they love their state, and how proud they are that it used to be its own country – well I think we should oblige those assholes and kick Texas out of the Union. Thanks for Stevie Ray Vaughan, Tex-Mex cuisine, Wes Anderson, and Buddy Holly, but see ya later.
First of all, Texas was stolen from Mexico, so it isn’t even really ours to begin with. I’m not making that up because I’m a liberal douche – it’s the truth. If you don’t know that already, then pick up a collegiate history book, and learn something about aggressive American expansionism for a change. (I don’t wish to get into the details, but all you need to know is this: President James K. Polk – asshole; Sam Houston – asshole; Zachary Taylor – asshole, etc.)
Secondly, here is a brief list that points out just a few of the God-awful abortions that Texas has loosed upon the rest of us: Lyndon Johnson, the Dallas Cowboys, Matthew Mcconaughey, beauty pageant culture, high school football worship, George W. Bush, cowboy hats, ZZ Top, draconian use of the death penalty, Vanilla Ice, big hair, bolo ties, excessive use of the word “Y’all,” the Kennedy assassination, calling every carbonated beverage “Coke,” the foundation of the American Oil Industry, Paul Wall, line dancing, Beyonce Knowles, rodeos, etc. I hope you get the point.
Now before you freak out, I’m not condemning all of Texas. In fact, I have known several people from Texas in my life, and I have to admit that they have all been super cool folks who are extremely fun people to be around. Quite pleasant, actually. I’ve even spent some time in Texas, and I honestly had a blast while in that state. I am also keenly aware that not all of Texas is a redneck sanctuary without any culture or intellect. (Texas is responsible for some of my favorite musicians of all time, and everyone I talk to says Austin is one of the coolest places in America.) The problem is just that the rational, thoughtful Texans seem to be drowning in assholes. And if they can’t somehow get their state to act even mildly sane, then the rest of the country is just going have to cut them loose.