Fiber One and done
Hey, Fiber One people, what gives?
Ever think about putting a warning label on your boxes of fiber-packed products to let your buyers know that they may be getting themselves into a day filled with trips to the bathroom and uncomfortable trapped gas??? Huh??
That’s right, I speak from experience.
A recent Friday night of mine was all but ruined because earlier that day I decided to eat not one, but two large bowls of the cereal in about an 8-hour period. Oooh, I can still feel the trembling of my guts when, for the first time in 28 years, they received their daily recommended dietary allowance of fiber.
Let me preface this story by saying, No, I’m not an idiot. I am aware of what fiber does. And I eat a good portion of fiber every day. I also love cereal. I eat it all the time. And I’m not just talking about for breakfast. I’ll eat it as an afternoon snack or even as a before bed kinda thing.
So, that infamous day, without putting much thought into it, and because after the first bowl of Fiber One I wasn’t sprinting to the bathroom or clutching my cheeks like I was Andy Dufresne at Shawshank Prison, I decided eating another bowl of cereal was probably healthier than opting for any drive-thru’s sodium-laden processed food.
And so began my debacle.
I was out to dinner a couple of hours after my second bowl of Fiber One Honey Clusters at an artisan pizza joint. No more than five minutes after my first slice I began to feel a touch queasy and tight in the ole belly.
After pushing through the discomfort like a champ and finishing a few slices my girlfriend and I bolted for the door and made our way to the shopping mall. And get this, for some strange reason (probably my addiction to it) we decided to get coffee. Bad move, Zack, bad move.
About a half-drink into my grande coffee I bolted for the public (yes, public) restroom. As soon as I got in there and latched the horrible lock it was like Armageddon. And really, what’s up with public bathroom stall locks? Do they ever work correctly? But that’s another point entirely. Furthermore, it was humid in the bathroom, which always makes things so much worse.
After a grueling 15 minutes, I exited Ground Zero, found my girlfriend and told her about the experience. She asked what I had eaten, and I told her. She laughed and told me she knew of similar experiences people had by eating only one of the brand’s “pop tarts.”
About the time she finished laughing it was back to the bathroom for me, which was a different public bathroom, but seemed to be hotter and more humid than the first.
Yep, same goes for the subsequent dookie: hotter and more humid than the first.
I believe if I would’ve had a mirror to see my rear end it would’ve been transformed from the usual “chocolate lifesaver” to the feared “cherry lifesaver.”
Yep, that just happened.
After that we went straight home, where I popped a couple of gas eliminating tablets and sat in the fetal position with the lights off and the ceiling fan and air conditioning cranked.
At home my girlfriend added, with a smirk on her face that was a cross between sympathy and elation, that no matter what I tried, the bad guts weren’t going to go away any time soon. That fiber was in my GI, she said, and there was only one way out…and that devil had to run its course.
So, back to the lecture at hand: Fiber One people, please put a warning, either humorous or sincere, asking that an amateur fiber eater not gobble down more than one three-quarter cup of cereal in a 24-hour span. It’s in the best interest for your company, because I can say from experience, there may never be a box of your cereal in my cabinet again. I guess the reasoning for which, if not obvious, can be likened to a person who drinks one too many shots of cinnamon schnapps, Jagermeister or what have you and gets so sick that he or she never wants to even smell, much less ingest that drink again.
Fiber One, you ruined my night. I cannot ever get it back. Maybe you think it’s funny to have people sprinting for bathrooms all across the world…and you’re right, it is pretty hilarious in retrospect. But please, warn your future customers by placing a disclaimer on your products. It is in the best interest of all our butts.