Enough with the 3D Already
Remember Avatar? You know, that mediocre movie that broke all box office records simply for being the most visually stunning and technologically advanced film of all time. Well, unfortunately the use and subsequent success of 3D in that film has led everyone producing any form of entertainment to believe that we all need 3D in every part of our lives. Don’t believe me? Well, Nintendo has released a 3D portable video game device. That’s right, because everyone needs 3 dimensions on a 3.5 inch screen while playing Mario Tennis on a subway train. Get the fuck out.
I’m sure I sound like an old geezer at this point shouting about the new technology, but I ensure you I am not. I love technology more than any person who doesn’t work in the industry should. I buy every gadget I can afford. I just do not get this 3D phenomenon. It was tremendous in Avatar, and if you didn’t see it in 3D then you legitimately missed out, but do I need Shrek in 3D? Or Toy Story 47? No I do not, but the studios are sure betting that I do. I mean, anyone can tell instantly that this movie will be horrible, yet we’re meant to be intrigued by the ominous “in 3D” at the end of the trailer. No thanks. How about I just continue to avoid and ignore this movie the same way I would have in “2D”?
I’m more than willing to admit that in a few years I may be eating these words, but I’m not fully resigned to the fact that 3D will ever actually become the norm. We went through this in the 80’s. Remember Friday the 13th 3-D? That movie came out in 1982 and 3D was going to take over then. Hell, they used “A New Dimension in Terror” as the tagline (get it? 3rd dimension, new dimension, ha-fucking-ha). Then in 1995, Nintendo had its first go round with 3D with the Virtual Boy. The Virtual Boy involved crouching in an uncomfortable position to watch a bunch of red lines move slowly. But it’s in 3D!!! Great.
Look, I know technology has improved a great deal since the failures of these 3D invasions, but I think I’ll continue to take my chances. If 3D just becomes “the way things are” then sure, I’ll buy. Until then I’ll resist the urge to throw on a pair of douchey black goggles for the cheap thrill of seeing SportsCenter in “stunning” 3D. Stuart Scott’s lazy eye is bothersome enough as it is.