Thin Line Between Stupid and Clever

Opining on Whatever

I’ll Never Care About Lady Gaga

Let me begin by saying that I love music.  I mean I really, really love it.  I can honestly say that I enjoy great music more than just about anything else on this planet.  And my love of music spans nearly every genre and era.  I frequently listen to almost anything: from early 20th century blues to Afro-beat; from bluegrass to jazz; classic rock to hip-hop.  As long as it takes talent and creativity to make, I’ll probably enjoy at least some of it.  Although I do have a profound love for music, that passion also has a darker side.  I have an equally strong hatred for bad music.  As you may have guessed, I’ve hated a lot of musicians throughout the years:  Bjork, Toby Keith, Celine Dion, Beyonce, Nickelback, anything that’s been on MTV in the past 12 years, just about any current rapper, etc. – I could go on for days. But out of all of these shitty artists, one single performer currently stands out as the absolute shittiest of them all.  And that colossal piece of shit is Lady Gaga.

Now I’m not claiming that I have the world’s greatest taste in music or anything.  Although I’m proud of almost everything that I listen to, there are a few awful songs and/or artists that I like, and I’m totally fine with admitting that they suck.  Also, I usually don’t judge a person’s worth or value to society by what kind of music they like – after all, I’m not a hipster.  Having said all that, if you consider yourself to be a Lady Gaga fan, fuck you.  Anyone who voluntarily listens to garbage like “Poker Face,” should be sterilized.  Seriously.  And though I already hated Beyonce, her collaboration with Lady Gaga titled, “Telephone,” is so awful, I regret that the Bush administration couldn’t have used it as a torture method.  A Lady Gaga “song” is the equivalent of aural rape.  I’d rather watch a puppy freeze to death on Christmas than listen to that trash.

Lady Gaga’s “music” is, like a lot of today’s pop music, barely music at all.  Although 99.9% of current pop music is completely horrendous, Lady Gaga’s is the worst of the worst. (F.Y.I. – if you like unique pop music and talented musicians, you should check out April Smith and/or Clare and the Reasons – both are excellent pop acts.)  To prove that Lady Gaga’s music sucks, I’ll lay out the recipe for her success.

Here’s the not-so-subtle formula for one of her “hits”:  sub-par musicianship + aggressively homosexual house music beats from the 1990’s + unbelievably irritating a-musical electronic tones + ridiculously expensive intentionally avant-garde costumes + backup dancers + unnecessary repetitive nonsensical phrases + shitty digital vocal effects + partial nudity + pretentious attitude + undeserved sense of accomplishment + MTV = hit.  That’s it; that’s the recipe for her success.

At this point, some of you may feel that I’m being too hard on her.  Well, that’s because you’re either: A.) an idiot  B.) 13 years old  C.) pretentious and attention-seeking  D.) an extremely flamboyant gay man (which I have no problem with, by the way – but, to be fair, you guys do tend to like terrible music) E.) any possible combination of A – D.  If anything, I’m not being hard enough on her.  And for those of you pseudo-intellectual Spin readers who may try to come to her defense, be warned:  I get what she’s trying to achieve.  I don’t hate her schtick because I don’t get it; I hate it because I do get it.

You might suggest that Lady Gaga’s rejection of traditional musical elements is meant to symbolize the tremendous alienation, tension, and disenfranchisement that we, as a modern society, face: the electronic tones mirror the alarming technological advances that are sapping the humanity from our lives; the hyper-garish costumes are intended to celebrate uniqueness in an age when it seems harder and harder to be a true individual; the cynical lyrics reflect our apathetic, morally bankrupt, unoptimistic views on life and love…blah, blah, blah.  She fucking sucks, and you know it.  You don’t have to dress up like a total douchebag and make shitty music to reveal meaningful truths about your culture.

Everything about Lady Gaga is a cheap gimmick, and I feel sorry for anyone who can’t see that.  Her “music” is atrocious and indefensible.  It makes me sad that she’s even popular enough to warrant my hatred, but alas, it’s a hatred that I am forced to nurture – a burden that talented musicians and fans of real music everywhere are forced to carry as long as she still has a career.

Editors note:  More things James will never care about can be found here.

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14 thoughts on “I’ll Never Care About Lady Gaga

  1. This is fantastic. Man, she (it?) sucks

  2. Zackary P on said:

    although i am a huge lover of dogs, i, too, would rather watch the cutest puppy freeze to its slow death on Christmas morning than listen to lady gaga…or beyonce. i thought the world was going to cave in on itself when i, through nothing more than sheer astonishment, saw their (gaga and beyonce) “music” video and couldn’t switch the channel. let it also be known that i would rather put out red hot cigars on my taint than listen to nickelback.

  3. Pingback: I'll Never Care About Lady Gaga « Thin Line Between Stupid and Clever : Lady Gaga Blog-Devoted to Lady Gaga

  4. Aaron B on said:

    Well written, you made my blood boil and I don’t know a single damn song that Lady Gaga sings. Her name and the pictures of seen are enough to know I won’t like it. In fact, I’ve just about given up on terrestrial radio all-together b/c they play such shit music… constantly. And if the “art” of today is truly a reflection of our culture/people… we’re fucked.

  5. This has already made its way to a Lady Ga-Ga fan site. This could get interesting.

    • James S. on said:

      God help me. I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m about to be inundated with angry comments from all sorts of morons who don’t know the first thing about music. What are the odds that any one of them will come close to a rational thought? I’m betting not great.

  6. Ahahaha, this post is awesome. Quite a bit of what you wrote is not only spot-on and employable to read, but also instantly quotable.

    I think a couple things said are a bit much, but I come from a similar place as you musically so I’m more than willing to not be bothered by it. Emotion cannot be contained in the face of such idiocy and trash 😉

    My short version of this post, before reading this post, was basically “I don’t get it. She can’t sing, her voice sucks, and the beats suck. What’s the allure?”

  7. James S. on said:

    Thanks a bunch, Tyler. It’s really nice to hear that I’m not the only person who thinks that
    Lady Gaga is a joke. I did probably exaggerate a little bit, but I’m prone to do that from time to time. Thanks again and thanks for checking out our blog. Hopefully we can start regularly updating it once again.

  8. Spot on and hilarious!

  9. I think Lady Gaga is a piece of shit. She is the ugliest, most talentless, attention-seeking prostitute in the world. Her music sucks so bad. Her fashion is so ridiculous it’s not even unique, it’s just fucking ugly. She has the face of a man and everything about her just shows how idiotic America is for liking her, for listening to her music, and for allowing that trashy piece of nothing to get billions of dollars. If Lady Gaga came to my house and wanted me to be in her music video, or was in town or whatever, I would fucking spit on that bitch and probably, if I could get away with it, put two bullets in her skull. It’s time for bitches like this to stop getting paid for being stupid and ugly!

  10. Ok well said, I have one issue.. You cant call yourself a music lover and not at least appreciate bjork. She’s critically acclaimed in the classical world and one of the most innovative and progressive artists ever. Her voice is so acclaimed she’s been called “smarter than most opera singers.” she’s a musician with decades of serious musical experience both academic and traditional as well as experimental. You’re missing out on one of the most sublime artists of our time.

  11. Funny article but I think you are way to cynical and quick to judge, especially when it comes to pop music. Gagas just obviously trying to carry the torch of all the pop greats before her by being this out of this world pop performer/figure. Nonetheless she still hasn’t really released anything that compelling but who the hell knows if she wont in the future. Shes pretty darned talented if you bothered to listen to some of her more piano driven deeper cuts like Speechless+Brown Eyes+AgainAgain.

    All the pop greats were pretty shitty and lame in the first few years of their pop careers anyway. Gaga was just given an unprecedented amount of attention and hype way too early on in her career. Yeah sure she hasn’t won over the critics yet but so didn’t Bowie+Prince+MJ+Madonna in their formative years.

    Pop artists are ever evolving, this gaga you are expressing your supreme disdain for is going to be a wholly different gaga in a couple of years. As a music lover, I’m not just gonna write off Lady Gaga cause I don’t like a few of her pop hits or the way she presents herself. I’m just gonna sit back and watch her evolve as an artist and pray that its for the better. I dunno, I guess i’m just more open minded when it comes to pop music.

  12. Accidentally stumbled upon this and had a good old chortle at this 7 year old post. Especially upon reading Dina’s response about sitting back and watching Gaga evolve; and my, hasn’t she?

    It’s funny that someone seemingly so open-minded to music really did/does wear blinkers for the most part and is left blind to potential and actual talent. I will fully admit, when Gaga first surfaced, I thought, who does this woman think she is with her BS music doing what she’s doing? But after time I actually grew to like her, and in time admire her; especially when I did research and found out there were reasons behind the outfits. And not only does this woman have an amazing voice, as she’s displayed over & over, she fights for people, she helps people, and doesn’t do things for the wrong reasons.
    You want to let small animals die because of a few bad songs (in your opinion), you realise how absurd that sounds? Especially when she’s doing what she is; has a charity for young people, is trying to promote kindness everywhere, sends money out to places suffering from natural disasters. And again; you want to watch little puppies freeze? Hm. You sound great 🙂
    Oh, and for the record, I’m not a gay male and I’m 30 years old 🙂 but that’s irrelevant, right?

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