I’ll Never Care About Lady Gaga
Let me begin by saying that I love music. I mean I really, really love it. I can honestly say that I enjoy great music more than just about anything else on this planet. And my love of music spans nearly every genre and era. I frequently listen to almost anything: from early 20th century blues to Afro-beat; from bluegrass to jazz; classic rock to hip-hop. As long as it takes talent and creativity to make, I’ll probably enjoy at least some of it. Although I do have a profound love for music, that passion also has a darker side. I have an equally strong hatred for bad music. As you may have guessed, I’ve hated a lot of musicians throughout the years: Bjork, Toby Keith, Celine Dion, Beyonce, Nickelback, anything that’s been on MTV in the past 12 years, just about any current rapper, etc. – I could go on for days. But out of all of these shitty artists, one single performer currently stands out as the absolute shittiest of them all. And that colossal piece of shit is Lady Gaga.
Now I’m not claiming that I have the world’s greatest taste in music or anything. Although I’m proud of almost everything that I listen to, there are a few awful songs and/or artists that I like, and I’m totally fine with admitting that they suck. Also, I usually don’t judge a person’s worth or value to society by what kind of music they like – after all, I’m not a hipster. Having said all that, if you consider yourself to be a Lady Gaga fan, fuck you. Anyone who voluntarily listens to garbage like “Poker Face,” should be sterilized. Seriously. And though I already hated Beyonce, her collaboration with Lady Gaga titled, “Telephone,” is so awful, I regret that the Bush administration couldn’t have used it as a torture method. A Lady Gaga “song” is the equivalent of aural rape. I’d rather watch a puppy freeze to death on Christmas than listen to that trash.
Lady Gaga’s “music” is, like a lot of today’s pop music, barely music at all. Although 99.9% of current pop music is completely horrendous, Lady Gaga’s is the worst of the worst. (F.Y.I. – if you like unique pop music and talented musicians, you should check out April Smith and/or Clare and the Reasons – both are excellent pop acts.) To prove that Lady Gaga’s music sucks, I’ll lay out the recipe for her success.
Here’s the not-so-subtle formula for one of her “hits”: sub-par musicianship + aggressively homosexual house music beats from the 1990’s + unbelievably irritating a-musical electronic tones + ridiculously expensive intentionally avant-garde costumes + backup dancers + unnecessary repetitive nonsensical phrases + shitty digital vocal effects + partial nudity + pretentious attitude + undeserved sense of accomplishment + MTV = hit. That’s it; that’s the recipe for her success.
At this point, some of you may feel that I’m being too hard on her. Well, that’s because you’re either: A.) an idiot B.) 13 years old C.) pretentious and attention-seeking D.) an extremely flamboyant gay man (which I have no problem with, by the way – but, to be fair, you guys do tend to like terrible music) E.) any possible combination of A – D. If anything, I’m not being hard enough on her. And for those of you pseudo-intellectual Spin readers who may try to come to her defense, be warned: I get what she’s trying to achieve. I don’t hate her schtick because I don’t get it; I hate it because I do get it.
You might suggest that Lady Gaga’s rejection of traditional musical elements is meant to symbolize the tremendous alienation, tension, and disenfranchisement that we, as a modern society, face: the electronic tones mirror the alarming technological advances that are sapping the humanity from our lives; the hyper-garish costumes are intended to celebrate uniqueness in an age when it seems harder and harder to be a true individual; the cynical lyrics reflect our apathetic, morally bankrupt, unoptimistic views on life and love…blah, blah, blah. She fucking sucks, and you know it. You don’t have to dress up like a total douchebag and make shitty music to reveal meaningful truths about your culture.
Everything about Lady Gaga is a cheap gimmick, and I feel sorry for anyone who can’t see that. Her “music” is atrocious and indefensible. It makes me sad that she’s even popular enough to warrant my hatred, but alas, it’s a hatred that I am forced to nurture – a burden that talented musicians and fans of real music everywhere are forced to carry as long as she still has a career.
Editors note: More things James will never care about can be found here.