Thin Line Between Stupid and Clever

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Is Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” the Worst Song of All Time? Probably.

If you are unfamiliar with the work of one Toby Keith, consider yourself lucky. Toby Keith is a country “artist” who, for years now, has been making shit music about intoxicated horses, the perils of menstruation, and the dominance of the Statue of Liberty over various Arab nations. His “boot in the ass” anthem even created a feud with the actually talented country group Dixie Chicks over whether foreign countries should be informed of the awfulness of George W. Bush’s Presidency, as if they didn’t already know. In general Toby is a real treat, but he has finally reached his career goal. Toby Keith has created the worst song of all time. It’s named “Red Solo Cup” and it is a piece of shit.

Here we go:

Now a red solo cup is the best receptacle
For barbecues tailgates fairs and festivals
And you sir do not have a pair of testicles
If you prefer drinking from glass

He’s not kidding. This is really a song about a plastic cup. To Toby Keith this is the only acceptable device through which one should consume fluids. Also, the cup must be red. I’m sure Solo would love to sell blue and green cups as well, but fuck em. Toby wants red.

A red solo cup is cheap and disposable
And in 14 years they are decomposable
And unlike my home they are not foreclosable
Freddie-Mac can kiss my ass woo

Toby is also apparently pissed at Freddie-Mac about something I’m sure he doesn’t quite understand. For him that equals political commentary.

Toby Keith is cooler than you

Chorus:

Red solo cup I fill you up
Lets have a party lets have a party
I love you red solo cup I lift you up
Proceed to party proceed to party

Toby Keith loves to party. This is apparent. Red plastic cups allow him to do this. Toby Keith is fifty years old.

Now I really love how you’re easy to stack
But I really hate how you’re easy to crack
Cuz when beer runs down the front of my back
Well that my friends is quite yucky

Toby Keith is so strong that he can’t hold a plastic cup without it cracking. This problem could be solved by drinking out of a glass, but Toby has testicles, and therefore, can only drink from (red) plastic. Didn’t you listen to the first verse?

But I have to admit the ladies get smitten
Admiring how sharply my first name is written
On you with a sharpie when I get to hittin’ on them to help me get lucky

Ol’ Tobe gets the ladies, and boy are they classy. These ladies are turned on by sharpie ink. Also, see how he rhymed “sharply” and “sharpie” there? Genius.

Now I’ve seen you in blue and I’ve seen you in yellow
But only you in red will do for this fellow

His hatred for other colored cups is reaffirmed. If you see someone drinking from a green cup at your next keg party of 50 year olds and sharpie loving women, walk up to him, punch him in the face, and tell him he’s a fucking pussy. Toby Keith said so.

Cuz you are my Abbot to my Costello
And you are the fruit to my loom

If the Abbot and Costello reference seems a little highbrow for Toby, it is. He quickly makes up for this by actually uttering “you are the fruit to my loom.”

Side note: Can we stop with the Abbot and Costello references? I know they are/were a famous partnership of some kind, but I really have no fucking idea what they did or when they were popular. “Just like Abbot and Costello” means nothing to me. “Sonny and Cher” is more believable and that shit is dated by 20 years at this point. Just stop.

Back to the “Okie from Hoagie” (or whatever):

Red solo cup your more than just plastic
You’re more than amazing you’re more than fantastic
And believe me when i’m not the least bit sarcastic when i look at you and say:
“Red solo cup, your not just a cup. You’re my, you’re my friend. (life long) Thank you, for being my friend.”

He ends this filth by expressing his eternal love for the red plastic cup. Despite its flaws-namely cracking in his rugged paws-Toby loves this fucking cup. He talks to it. He looks deeply at it. He thinks about it while bedding that classy woman from the previous verse. Toby would marry this thing. If only.

Toby then goes on to speak that terrible chorus several more times before finally ending everyone’s misery.

It’s worth mentioning that Toby does not sing this song. Only blue cup drinking pussies sing their songs. Toby Keith speaks his. Every fucking word. Deal with that.

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26 thoughts on “Is Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” the Worst Song of All Time? Probably.

  1. Zackary P on said:

    Before reading this I was ready to challenge the idea that this was the worst song ever. I was ready to tell you Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” or that “Macarena” song by whoever was the worst. But I get it now. You have made a believer out of me. Well done, old boy.

  2. joshtucker@msn.com on said:

    Your a pussy for complaining! He’s making money while your sniveling!! Lol

  3. James S. on said:

    This is, in fact, the worst song of all time. Jesus Christ. And just for the record, joshtucker@msn.com, your post should read “You’re a …….while you’re…., ” because ‘your’ is possessive while ‘you’re’ is a contraction meaning ‘you are.’ Here’s an example of how that word is supposed to be used: joshtucker@msn.com, you’re an illiterate fuck.

  4. Jarrod on said:

    You’ve never been to a party, have you?

    • James S. on said:

      Listen there Jarrod, even before I graduated from one of the craziest party universities in all of the United States, I was partying and raising more shades of Hell than you could possibly imagine. Trust me kid, I drank more booze, banged more hot schniz, dabbled in more illicit substances, and pissed more blood all before I was twenty years old than you will in your entire life. And I’ve even managed to read a few books along the way. Despite what you and Toby Keith might believe, ‘intelligence’ and ‘fun’ are not mutually exclusive.

  5. Joseph on said:

    Come on man. This is supposed to be a fun song. Its not supposed to be taken seriously. Jesus!

    • Joseph on said:

      And FYI Abbot and Costello were one of the greatest comedic group in the 40s and 50s. Look up “Who’s on first?”.

  6. Jake on said:

    Toby Kieth needs to be punched in the fucking head.

  7. His newer songs are even worse. “Too Drunk to Karaoke” and “Drinks After Work”. When did he turn into a woman?

  8. seasonedstudbrad1953 on said:

    Toby Keith is a true good ol’ boy I with whom I’d LOVE to pound some brews,but…..
    “Red Solo Cup” FREAKN’ BLOWS CHUNKS!!!!!My six-year-old great-niece in New Jersey would get punished by her first-grade teacher if she wrote anything that stupid!!!!!!!(Sorry,Toby,pal,don’t beat me up;I’m a little old black Canadian lad,60,just 5’9″,200 lb.!!!!!!!!)

  9. Stan bills on said:

    He’s a fucking idiot

  10. Stan bills on said:

    Someone should shoot him in the cunt…

  11. Green on said:

    Umm… This is supposed to be a fun and stupid song… Yes, it does get annoying to this day, but I think it’s fun. You don’t have to take it seriously, Jesus.

  12. paula on said:

    whoever is running there mouth abt toby keith needs to shut there fucking mouth up bc iam a true fan of toby keith he is a true nice guy and can very well sing whoever the person maybe running there mouth needs to shut the fuck up abt toby keith. yall dont know shit abt tk so shut the fuck up i mean it too.yall need to be punched up side the head urselfs.

  13. Goat Milk on said:

    This is the best review ever. Good job! TK is the biggest idiot out there. This shows you how Nashville has dropped their standards for the sake of $. Hank Sr. would have put a boot in TK’s ass himself.

    • Colt33 on said:

      Don’t tell Paula that or she’ll come out of her trailer and punch your head hahaha.

      • What, someone believes in working for their money and that makes them a “right-wingnut?”

        Here’s one for you:
        – Did you hear about the democrat who worked hard for his money? Yeah, neither did I.

        Here’s another one:
        – A republican and a democrat were walking and they came upon a homeless man. The republican reached into his own pocket, pulled out a $10 bill and gave it to the homeless man. He also gave him his business card and to stop by his business… he’ll give him a job. After that, they continued to walk and they came upon another homeless man. The democrat, not to be outdone, quickly reached into the republican’s pocket and pulled out a $100 bill. He gave it to the homeless man along with a card containing directions to the Welfare office and then continued to walk.

        That, my friends, is a beautiful example of a typical republican and a typical democrat.

      • Sorry. That was meant for handsomerandyblackladbrad1953

  14. handsomerandyblackladbrad1953 on said:

    Not only that,Toby misspelled Bud Abbott’s surname.(Then again,he’s a right-wingnut,and they’re,well,DUMB-A**ES!!!!!!)

  15. handsomerandyblackladbrad1953 on said:

    Not only that,because I’m black,Paula and her three-teethed boyfriend and/or husband/uncle would call me a f***ing n****r (they’d likely spell it “n**r,thus proving their intellectual superiority over me),and try to garrot me with their Confederate Flag bedsheet-or lynch me!!!!!

  16. For one thing, Toby did not write the song. Here is an article that explains it:

    In his illustrious career, Toby Keith has only released two radio singles he didn’t write: ‘American Ride’ and ‘Red Solo Cup.’ For the country powerhouse to cut an outside song, it’s gotta be pretty amazing … or pretty ridiculous.
    “It is the stupidest song I ever heard in my life, but it’s so stupid it’s good,” Keith tells The Boot with a laugh.
    The interesting thing about the song is that it was never intended to be pitched to anyone to record, but Keith heard the tune after someone who worked for him played it.
    “‘Red Solo Cup’ is like a squirrel loose in a church house. We can play it in an office and then play five other songs, give it an hour, walk out, and you’d hear the receptionist singing it,” he says. “It’s like nursery rhyme stupid.”
    Two sets of brothers penned the viral hit: Jim Beavers and his brother Brett, and the Warren Brothers, Brett and Brad Warren.
    “It’s absolutely ridiculous,” Jim Beavers admits to The Boot. “I can also say, having been a writer for 10 years and written hundreds of songs, I don’t know a song that more people bring up in more instances than this song about a red solo cup. I don’t know why, it hits something somewhere. It is the craziest, weirdest song you’ve ever heard.”
    Keith admits he wasn’t sure about releasing the humorous song, but as he began to play it for people, he noticed them singing along almost immediately. So, he filmed an off-the-wall video for ‘Red Solo Cup,’ inviting a crew of celebrity friends to join him in the clip, including TV host Craig Ferguson, baseball great Roger Clemens, basketball icon Larry Bird and fellow music stars Sammy Hagar, Ted Nugent, Eric Church, Joe Nichols, JT Hodges, Carter’s Chord, Rose Falcon and Trailer Choir‘s Butter, among others. And then, Keith and the songwriting brothers had something that hadn’t happened in country music in a long time: a video that pushed a song into being a single.
    “What I wanted to do was get 20 celebrities in it, make it like a frat party and get people to act goofy and drink. So that’s what we did, and all of a sudden it’s [a huge hit],” Keith says.
    But the song’s silly lyrics weren’t Keith’s only concern about picking ‘Red Solo Cup’ as a single.
    “I was afraid since it says ‘testicles,’ radio won’t play it,” he says. “They wouldn’t play ‘Weed With Willie,’ and this is even more extreme. But I had some radio guys tell me they would play it regardless.”
    The radio guys were right: ‘Red Solo Cup’ is certified double platinum, signifying sales in excess of two million units, and reached the Top 10 on Billboard’s country charts.
    The co-writers, who all appear in the music video, were thrilled with the treatment the song received.
    “I don’t know Toby from Adam, and I could not believe how into it he was. I couldn’t believe the production he did for it,” says Beavers. “I thought it was going to [have a budget of] two thousand dollars, and someone would be walking around with an iPhone doing the video on it … I was sitting there with my brother, and I said, ‘[Toby Keith] made 50 million dollars last year, and he’s in there acting like an absolute idiot with our song — it’s great!’”
    They’re also thrilled with how their silly song that wasn’t even supposed to be pitched to any artists made such a huge splash.
    “I have to say, it’s one of the weirdest things that ever happened to me,” Beavers says. “It’s a Roger Miller-esque song, which we don’t have anymore, so it’s really cool to have something like that on the radio again.”

  17. Christian on said:

    I think he should be sentenced to listen to his own songs over and over again.

  18. Travis on said:

    Lol, The saddest part is you take a complete comedic song and get rammed up the ass by it because “You dont like it” Also everything James said about partying is a lie. That is a typical response to something of that “Partying universities” Something tells me you didn’t go to college at all and you’re just some faggot with his pants on to tight not to get comedic music, Farthermore before you all jump on the “I hate Toby Keith” Band wagon just remember who has did more songs for our troops than any of your little shitty musicians. You’re clearly a bunch of asshats who can’t understand comedy.

    • We understand comedy just fine when the person is actually putting forth an effort and has the passion to be funny. Toby’s pretty capable of being funny when he’s trying because he has a lot of funny songs that I enjoy but Red Solo Cup comes across as obnoxious and lazy. Half of the time, I feel like the songwriters were having writer’s block and looked across the room, spotted a red, plastic drinking cup and said “Hey, let’s write a song about that!”

  19. I like I Wanna Talk About Me and Beer for My Horses though, they are miles better than Red Solo Cup.

    That being said, I fucking love Toby Keith’s music from the 90s, back when he was a balladeer throwing a few silly songs in there for good measure like You Ain’t Much Fun, Getcha Some and How Do You Like Me Now?! His stuff, however, by the mid-2000s just sucks ass and it’s like now, it seems the only things he can write about most of the time are drinking songs and patriotism though he still has a few good hits here and there like Love Me if You Can and She Never Cried in Front of Me (though that song is just a copy of Tracy Lawrence’s “I See It Now.”)

    Red Solo Cup, however, took the cake for the worst song Toby Keith has ever recorded. I get that the song is supposed to be funny but it comes across as obnoxious, like whoever wrote the song wasn’t even trying. I mean, seriously, how did a freaking song about plastic cups become so popular? Toby should stayed on his same route from the 90s-early 2000s and he could have still made good music. Brad Paisley has stayed the same aside from accompanying silly songs into his music beginning with his second album and he’s still a very popular singer.

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