Is Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” the Worst Song of All Time? Probably.
If you are unfamiliar with the work of one Toby Keith, consider yourself lucky. Toby Keith is a country “artist” who, for years now, has been making shit music about intoxicated horses, the perils of menstruation, and the dominance of the Statue of Liberty over various Arab nations. His “boot in the ass” anthem even created a feud with the actually talented country group Dixie Chicks over whether foreign countries should be informed of the awfulness of George W. Bush’s Presidency, as if they didn’t already know. In general Toby is a real treat, but he has finally reached his career goal. Toby Keith has created the worst song of all time. It’s named “Red Solo Cup” and it is a piece of shit.
Here we go:
Now a red solo cup is the best receptacle
For barbecues tailgates fairs and festivals
And you sir do not have a pair of testicles
If you prefer drinking from glass
He’s not kidding. This is really a song about a plastic cup. To Toby Keith this is the only acceptable device through which one should consume fluids. Also, the cup must be red. I’m sure Solo would love to sell blue and green cups as well, but fuck em. Toby wants red.
A red solo cup is cheap and disposable
And in 14 years they are decomposable
And unlike my home they are not foreclosable
Freddie-Mac can kiss my ass woo
Toby is also apparently pissed at Freddie-Mac about something I’m sure he doesn’t quite understand. For him that equals political commentary.
Red solo cup I fill you up
Lets have a party lets have a party
I love you red solo cup I lift you up
Proceed to party proceed to party
Toby Keith loves to party. This is apparent. Red plastic cups allow him to do this. Toby Keith is fifty years old.
Now I really love how you’re easy to stack
But I really hate how you’re easy to crack
Cuz when beer runs down the front of my back
Well that my friends is quite yucky
Toby Keith is so strong that he can’t hold a plastic cup without it cracking. This problem could be solved by drinking out of a glass, but Toby has testicles, and therefore, can only drink from (red) plastic. Didn’t you listen to the first verse?
But I have to admit the ladies get smitten
Admiring how sharply my first name is written
On you with a sharpie when I get to hittin’ on them to help me get lucky
Ol’ Tobe gets the ladies, and boy are they classy. These ladies are turned on by sharpie ink. Also, see how he rhymed “sharply” and “sharpie” there? Genius.
Now I’ve seen you in blue and I’ve seen you in yellow
But only you in red will do for this fellow
His hatred for other colored cups is reaffirmed. If you see someone drinking from a green cup at your next keg party of 50 year olds and sharpie loving women, walk up to him, punch him in the face, and tell him he’s a fucking pussy. Toby Keith said so.
Cuz you are my Abbot to my Costello
And you are the fruit to my loom
If the Abbot and Costello reference seems a little highbrow for Toby, it is. He quickly makes up for this by actually uttering “you are the fruit to my loom.”
Side note: Can we stop with the Abbot and Costello references? I know they are/were a famous partnership of some kind, but I really have no fucking idea what they did or when they were popular. “Just like Abbot and Costello” means nothing to me. “Sonny and Cher” is more believable and that shit is dated by 20 years at this point. Just stop.
Back to the “Okie from Hoagie” (or whatever):
Red solo cup your more than just plastic
You’re more than amazing you’re more than fantastic
And believe me when i’m not the least bit sarcastic when i look at you and say:
“Red solo cup, your not just a cup. You’re my, you’re my friend. (life long) Thank you, for being my friend.”
He ends this filth by expressing his eternal love for the red plastic cup. Despite its flaws-namely cracking in his rugged paws-Toby loves this fucking cup. He talks to it. He looks deeply at it. He thinks about it while bedding that classy woman from the previous verse. Toby would marry this thing. If only.
Toby then goes on to speak that terrible chorus several more times before finally ending everyone’s misery.
It’s worth mentioning that Toby does not sing this song. Only blue cup drinking pussies sing their songs. Toby Keith speaks his. Every fucking word. Deal with that.