Listen, People. Newt Gingrich is Not Going to Win. Let’s Move On.
If you’ve been following the news today, then you know that in an interview with ABC News one of Newt Gingrich’s 27 past wives is claiming that the Newtmeister once asked her for an “open marriage.” Wonderful. You’ve placed the image of Newt Gingrich having sex into my head. Thanks, but I don’t care. I know I’m supposed to care because Newt Gingrich is running for President and an “open marriage” is not presidential, but Newt Gingrich is not going to win. He’s just not. Barring being found with a trunk full of dead circus clowns, Mittens is going to win and we all know this.
Yes I know that Gingrich may win the South Carolina primary. That’s thrilling. Get him a cookie. It was only a couple weeks ago that Rick Santorum won Iowa and this was supposed to be important except it wasn’t important at all and now no one knows for sure whether Rick Santorum is even running anymore. A couple of months before that Rick Perry was sure to win because he was handsome and a “straight shooter” and like Dubya in all the good ways but not like Dubya in all the bad ones (which were almost all of them). Those fools had no chance to win (well maybe Rick Perry had a miniscule chance until he spoke words out loud) and neither does Newt Gingrich. Everyone knows this, but the media doesn’t want the race to be settled so for the next few days or weeks we’ll be forced to look upon women sad enough to have had sex with Newt Gingrich. We’ll be told that this is important because Newt is important because he has a fantasy of becoming POTUS. We will be told this until another Republican gets their turn to not be Romney and that cycle will continue until there is mercifully no one left but Romney. Then we can all vote for Obama.