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Better Queen Song: Fat Bottomed Girls or Somebody to Love?

Queen is one of those bands that a significant portion of the American public claim to not like. I’m not one of those people. I love Queen. Sure, “We Will Rock You” and “We are the Champions” are basically clichés at this point, but they are clichés because they’re great songs. It’s not Queen’s fault that every high school in America plays “We Will Rock You” during the pregame warm ups for their super important regional quarterfinal volleyball match. They made a great song and people then proceeded to play it the fuck out. Not Queen’s fault.

Having said that, there are two Queen songs that stand above the rest: “Fat Bottomed Girls” and “Somebody to Love”. This post is a completely objective and statistical breakdown of which of those two are better. Let’s get to it.

Complete Objective Criteria #1: If played on a jukebox in a bar in which normal people hang out, which song will get a more favorable reaction?

For me, this one’s easy. “Fat Bottomed Girls” is one of my go-to jukebox songs. I mean, the song starts off with an accapella ode to big girls. In a bar where everyone is wasted and hoping to get laid eventually, nothing beats that. Queen is basically telling you that it’s ok to sleep with that fat chick you’ve been debating since beer eight. Go for it. You won’t regret it. I swear.

Winner: “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Completely Objective Criteria #2: Which song makes you happier when it randomly comes on the radio?

This one is tough because it largely depends on whether you are alone in the car or not. If alone, I would rather hear “Somebody to Love” 99 times out of 100. I will sing the shit out of that song if left to my own devices. Every word. I do a beautiful rendition.

If I’m not alone, I guess “Fat Bottomed Girls” because we can crack jokes about sleeping with big girls, or Queen in general. I’m really not sure which is more fun.

Winner: Tie

Completely Objective Criteria #3: Which one is easier to relate to?

Well, this depends entirely on your experiences with women of above average weight now doesn’t it? If you’ve gone a few rounds with a ‘biggun’ or just enjoy larger women, then there is no song on Earth to which you can more easily relate. However, everyone can relate to “Somebody to Love.” Feeling lonely and wanting somebody, anybody, to love is something we’ve all done. Well, unless you’re a sociopath.

Winner: “Somebody to Love”

Completely Objective Criteria #4: Better guitar solo?

Trick question. “Fat Bottomed Girls” does not feature a guitar solo. The guitar solo on “Somebody to Love” kicks ass.

Winner: “Somebody to Love”

Completely Objective Criteria #5: Covered by better artists?

A quick Wikipedia search reveals that “Fat Bottomed Girls” has been covered by Kid Rock (terrible), Atreyu (a band named after a character in a children’s movie), several American Idol contestants (what. the. fuck), and Amos Lee (ok, he’s pretty awesome). George Michael (performed at a Queen tribute concert, so not completely offensive), Anne Hathaway (what?), Brittany Murphy (what??), and the cast of Glee (holy shit what?!!). Queen deserves better.

Winner: We’re all losers, but Amos Lee gives “Fat Bottomed Girls the slimmest of victories.

Completely Objective Criteria #6: Better live performance found on YouTube?

Video 1:

This is awesome. Look at all of those beers sitting on top of the piano. We could question why each seems to be only half-finished, but we’ll just assume they get hot and nasty while Freddie’s frolicking around the stage. Freddie doesn’t like warm beer. Who does? They completely rock this song in this video, especially at the end, and I love it. Brian May is fantastic as always. Oh, and Freddie Mercury is wearing a Superman wife beater.

Video #2:

Freddie has opted for a tasselled red leather jacket here, which works for Freddie and like four other people in history. This is a pretty rocking performance, but doesn’t have quite the same epic feel as video #1. It does, however, have Freddie adamantly humping a mic stand at the 3:28 mark. That’s worth at least a few points. Oh, now he’s pole dancing….

Winner: “Somebody to Love,” because a Superman wife beater trumps a solid mic stand humping every day of the week.

Conclusion

Even though all of the criteria were extremely close, it appears that “Somebody to Love” has run away with this one. “Fat Bottomed Girls” is a hell of a lot of fun, but “Somebody to Love” really is the better song. Either way, Queen rules and should be listened to and respected. I’m just glad I was able to settle this highly contentious and timely debate. Until next time…

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One thought on “Better Queen Song: Fat Bottomed Girls or Somebody to Love?

  1. I’d never have guessed… | Reviewer: bryony1 | 11/7/09 … that FBG is “Delta Dawn,” but it doesn’t detract from either song. Each is its own, and this one just shows how original Queen was. If only Freddie hadn’t died, he’d still be going strong! After all, it was only 18 years ago. This is probably one of the very few, if not the only, song that rhapsodizes over REALLY hefty women. I wonder if one of the members of Queen had a preference for “fat-bottomed girls,” because I can’t imagine anyone otherwise just making this up. I had a girlfriend with a very rare disease that caused her body from the navel down, including her bottom and thighs, to be absolutely massive. She ate like a bird but was built like half a Humvee. FBG was a great comfort to her, because this is an incurable malady. BTW, in August, all these 18 years later, Freddie was awarded an honor for having the “best mustache in Britain,” outdoing John Cleese, Charlie Chaplain, and other mustachioed notables, past and present. However, I thought he looked at his very best in “Bohemian Rhapsody,” exotic and beautiful. His later “look” is common in San Francisco — Short hair, full brush. Ho hum. But that voice!! Just marvelous on “Fat-bottomed Girls,” among Queen’s best. But what wasn’t?

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